Whither Medical Science?

Times of India 13 July 2014

Saving lives used to entail the 'Kiss of Life' viz., mouth-to-mouth respiration. Is that going to be replaced by 'Flatulence of Life' - arsehole-to-nose artificial respiration? 

Will doctors coming on duty fortify their internal pharmacopeia with a spicy meal of राजमा  or उड़द flavoured with garlic and accompanied with a side-dish of onion and radish salad?

 

Can patients self-medicate by connecting a catheter from the anal orifice to their nostrils in case of a heart attack, just to keep their myocardial mitochondria from succumbing to oxygen deprivation and reveling in a malodorous milieu?

A demented patient will no longer be deemed to be demented if he is seen playing with his poo - he is merely getting his treatment from the 'source'!

Will pharmacist of the future be selected on the basis of their colonic capacity and dyspeptic proclivities rather than their knowledge of medicines?

Children will no longer be afraid of injections. Parents will warm their recalcitrant kids with the ominous warning "The doctor will fart in your face; just take the bitter medicine quietly". 

"बेटे चुपचाप दवाई खा लो नहीं तो डॉक्टर तेरे मुंह पर पाद मारेगा।"

I shudder while visualizing Dr Gregory House gleefully ordering his three minions to fart continuously on a patient with a rare tropical disease in order to keep him/her alive. I see him with a diabolical twinkle in the eye titrating the right blend of the combined effluvia of Drs Chase, Cameron and Foreman.

Methinks this effervescent scatological scenario will be fugacious in its popularity, the farts will eventually get encapsulated and will be available as 'Fart Pearls'.